I have been with my boyfriend for two years. He is everything I ever wanted as far as trust, sex, compatibility, sense of humor, etc. He just isn't good with his money. He makes decent money, but when he has it, he spends it. He has had several money emergencies in the time we've been together that I spotted him for, but he is still having trouble paying me back. Every time I try to suggest that he be a little more responsible with his money, he gets irritable, tells me I'm lecturing him, and says he just needs a month or two to get back on his feet. We get along so well and I know we can both us spending our lives together, but I feel like this might become a bigger issue down the road. It just doesn't seem fair that he is so perfect for me besides this one (kind of big) issue. What can I do about this?
You're right that this could become a much bigger issue down the road. If you're going to spend your life with this guy, you'd better make sure he doesn't spend all your money.
This is a big issue. And people typically deal with tough issues like this only when they boil over into crises. But that moment when he's desperate for a loan at the end of the month is probably the worst time to tackle this problem. He may have trouble seeing the big picture when he's panicked because TimeWarner is going to cut off his cable — and cancel his Game of Thrones habit.
Instead, wait until things calm down and hopefully he won't feel so threatened. Personal finance is an everyday matter anyway. Then tell him, "We've been dating for two years, and I'm excited about the future. So I want to set some goals and I was hoping we could talk about money."
Since he probably feels guilty, insecure, and judged, you don't want to frame this conversation as a lecture. Instead, set up the conversation as something you both need to work on. (Just don't officially combine your finances until the relationship is solid and his money issues are straight.) It sounds like he'll resist, but we're talking money here, so sell him on the upside. Describe what a less stressful future might look like for both of you if you aren't careening from one bill to the next. Think about your goals and describe them to him: Vacations? A better apartment? A life that's just less stressful at the end of the month?
Practically speaking, you should set some short-term goals. And that might begin with helping him to educate himself. You can read books together, learn to use budgeting software, set goals and make plans — or you could seek out professional advice from a financial planner or accountant. If he's really stubborn, it might be easier for him to hear common sense from someone else.
Just don't forget that any merger comes with risks. Every investment is a bet. And you don't want to be stuck with toxic assets.
I have been with my boyfriend for three years. I have cheated on him with two different guys. I know I need to break up with him, but I love him and I can't stand hurting him. I don't know what to do. I do want to be with him, but I'm attracted to other people and I do feel that I will pursue other relationships and intimacies. I'm very lost.
One of the many problems with cheating on someone is that it often confuses an issue: You aren't happy in a relationship, then you cheat, and suddenly you feel like the problem with the relationship is that you cheated. Often, it's not the cause, it's the effect. I'm not giving you an excuse to justify your cheating. That's merely to say that you made a bad relationship worse.
So, if you know you "need to break up with him," then do it. If you "can't stand hurting him," imagine how much more you'll hurt him if you prolong this relationship, continue to cheat on him, and break his heart. Breakups are like broken bones: A clean break is always better than one that splinters and festers.
Of course, you also say that you "love him" and "want to be with him," so I am, honestly, just as confused as you. The point is: You need to make a choice. I think you've already made it. If you know you're going to "pursue other relationships," then, by all means, pursue them. But don't abuse this guy's trust any longer. Come clean. Tell him you've been cheating on him — and that you can't do it anymore. After three years, he deserves to know why you're ending things. Then let him go.
My boyfriend and I have been together for two years and living together for one. About six months ago we talked about the possibility of marriage and decided that it was mostly a matter of time and there were a few things we needed to talk about. This past summer was really hard for us — I was dealing with a lot and was pretty miserable to be around. He wound up breaking up with me for all of two hours, and since then, we've been working to patch things up. We just moved into a new apartment together, and everything is seemingly good, but we haven't revisited the topic of marriage since. I don't really know where we are now. Is he planning on proposing at some point? Are we just delaying breaking up? I'm afraid to bring these topics up because I'm not sure I'm ready for either outcome. Are there ways for me to get an indicator of his thoughts on all of this without having to bring up a somewhat taboo topic?
The answer to your last question is "no." Whatever tea-leaf-reading tips and manipulative mind-reading tricks others may suggest, there is no way to get a reliable sense of how your boyfriend feels about marriage without actually talking about marriage. Sorry, but you can't talk about the elephant in the room by discussing horses.
The real question, it seems to me, is when do you have that talk? You've moved into a new apartment together. That's a big step. And you've just recently patched things up after some big fights.
So let's forget about your boyfriend for a second. (Again, let's not speculate about what he might feel.) When do you think you'll be ready for this conversation? You sound anxious. Do you feel like you need a few more months of stability to rebuild the trust and comfort before you start talking about the next big step? If so, you should take it. The conversation will go much better if you're more stable and confident. Don't just let him define the relationship; think through what you want. Do you really want to marry this guy? If so, great. How long are you willing to wait?
And how are you going to tell him? It's scary to put yourself on the line like that — for every one of us. Your boyfriend, in his own way, is probably scared too. There's no one way to have the conversation, but I think it's important to do three things: First, let him know that you respect where he's at. You've had a rough year, and you know it might take him some time to feel secure and you understand that he might not be feeling the same way. Second, tell him that, despite that, you do know what you want — and you want a life with him, in marriage. Eventually. Third, ask him how he's feeling and listen. And ask what he needs to feel secure enough to take the next step. Focus on the positives. And if the conversation really isn't going well, make sure he knows, gently, that you will not wait forever.
There's a chance that he's anxious because he's not sure how you're feeling, either. That's just one reason why I don't think the answer here is to play games and hide your true feelings. The real issue here is trust. And it's hard to build trust if you're not being truthful.
