Whether we like to admit it or not, most of us have dating defense mechanisms—habits we immediately switch on and turn to when a date or relationship isn't going so well. Me? After a heartbreaking divorce, my dating defense mechanism is to jump ship at the first sign of restless waters, lest we head straight for a storm. Maybe yours is a little less do-or-die, but money's on the fact that you have one. Here are a couple common defenses we can put up while dating.
You refuse to get intimate: And I'm not talking in a shedding-clothes sense. I mean that the idea of someone seeing you—really seeing you one-on-one—puts you into a tailspin of fear. When you think someone might be getting to know you too well, you pull out the "let's hang out in public" trick, refusing to sit face-to-face and instead opting for informal group or public outings that will keep your new main man at a distance.
You pretend you don't care: It—whatever it is—so does not matter to you. The invite to his family's holiday gathering, the first-edition of your favorite book he bought you, the compliment that totally made you blush (but it was really just hot in the apartment, duh)—it doesn't matter to you. Actually, it really, truly does, but you can't possibly let your man know, so you act cool, ambivalent, even uncaring so he'll never know exactly what his sweet gestures mean to you.
You make it all about sex: The second someone hurts you, you tell yourself and him that it was never really more than physical chemistry between you two. When you get together and he wants to chat about your day jobs and what's for dinner, you silence the small talk with a kiss and maybe more. If it's sex only, no one gets hurt while everyone has fun, right?
You end things too soon: You bear my burden—the one where when things seem to point to, "this won't work," you jump ship faster than a speed demon. It doesn't matter if it's an inconsequential fight over how you'll spend your free time or as large as whether you'll one day live together. All that matters is that you found yourself on opposite ends of a fight, which obviously points toward doom, so you duck out before more damage is done.
Did I mention your relationship defense mechanism? If not, what is it? Why do you think you have it?
