If we're lucky, we've each got an example or two of what a great relationship looks like—from the outside. But what are the behind-the-scenes habits that happy couples have and regularly do? From a friend who's recently embarked on a new relationship to a couple happily married for 14 years, I got the inside scoop so we could all steal their undercover tricks.
"We start our day with a 'hello' text message." And sometimes, says my friend who's been seeing her boyfriend for about six months, "hello" is as far as the conversation goes. "But it really doesn't matter what we say to each other," she says. "It's just a great way to start both of our days, knowing we're thinking about one another."
"We try to hug midfight." It may sound corny, but a friend—who read this tip in a women's magazine and whipped it out months ago when she and her year-long boyfriend were embroiled in a bickering match over money—swears by its healing powers. Whenever one of them notices their voices raising or blood starting to boil, they step in and wrap their arms around each other. "You just can't stay mad when you're hugging," she says. "Once we started doing it, we definitely noticed our fights got shorter and less intense. We haven't walked away from a disagreement angry in months."
"We go without the TV for at least an hour every night." As a married women with young children, my friend admits it would be easy to zone out with some docu-dramas after a long day. But this woman knows that doesn't exactly promote real intimacy with her spouse. "That's not to say we don't watch TV, because duh, we do," she says. "But we definitely try each night to sit side by side and just talk without the TV on." At first, she reports, it was kind of hard. ("We talked for like five minutes and were like, uh, now what do we say to each other?") But each day it got easier, and now that end-of-the-day debrief is the best part of their days, she says.
"We learned each other's love languages." You may or may not be familiar with Gary Chapman's five "love languages"—words of affirmation, touch, gift giving, acts of service, and quality time—but the idea is that everyone shows and receives love best in one (or more) of those five ways. If you know how your partner is most likely to feel loved, you can speak his or her language. "My boyfriend was great about taking out the trash when he was over at my place, but I was like, 'Um, where are my flowers? You clearly don't care for me,'" says my friend, whose love language is gift giving. Her boyfriend's? Acts of service. "Then I realized we were just speaking different languages! So I try to remember when he does the dishes, he's showing me he loves me—and he tries to pick up a trinket now and then for me, even though it's not natural for him." She returns the favor by taking things off his plate (cooking him dinner or running his car through the car wash), which speaks his language too.
"We sleep naked!" Yup, flannel PJs may be warm and comfy, but my friend who's been married for three years swears she keeps her sex life hot-and-heavy by slipping into bed nude. "When he cuddles me and his hand brushes against my upper body, both our engines start to rev!" she says. "You may feel like you're tired and not in the mood, but if you press up against each other's naked bodies in the right ways, you can turn that mood right around!"
What are some other habits you or others have that keep their relationships happy and healthy?
