When a friend recommended I read It’s Not You: 27 (Wrong) Reasons Why You’re Single, I immediately snagged myself a copy. The author, Sara Eckel, discusses 27 common phrases single women hear (from well-meaning friends and family) to explain why they're still single. I was eager to hear her reasons why they're a bunch of hooey.
As someone who got married several years after most of her friends, I can easily recall the "advice" I received after each of my failed dating attempts. (Yes, there were many.) It was meant to comfort me, but it usually just made me feel like my singleness was something that needed to be fixed as quickly as possible. It also made me wonder what mistakes I was making to cause my singleness, which, of course, didn’t feel very good. Luckily, the author of this book agrees with me.
These lines (mentioned by Eckel in her book) totally got on my nerves when I was single. Do any of them sound familiar to you?
1. You’re Too Intimidating. I will never understand why having a career, bank account, and the ability to articulate your opinions somehow equates with being intimidating. It’s pretty damaging to make women think they have to sacrifice being functional adults in order to attract a spouse. Besides, think of all the strong and independent women who are married, such as Beyoncé or Sheryl Sandberg.
2. You Need to Be Happy Alone. I find it offensive to assume that just because someone would like to be in a relationship, she’s unhappy on her own. When I was single, I loved spending time by myself, but I still wanted to meet someone to share my life with.
It’s completely possible to want a relationship and still be secure in yourself.3. You Need to Put It Out to the Universe! Like many other women, I started declaring my life plans to the Universe when I was about five years old. Before I even knew what marriage was, it definitely topped the list. Most of my girlfriends share my determination and are pretty vocal about what they want. This is why I think telling a woman that she’s single because she lacks a connection with the universe is not only confusing but frustrating as well.
4. You Have to Keep Trying! If keeping up with all your messages on Tinder and OkCupid, going out on countless bad dates, and getting back out there after a rough breakup isn’t trying, I don’t know what is. Most single women I know are trying, even when it’s really hard, and I think it’s quite unproductive to tell them otherwise.
5. You’re Too Fabulous to Settle Down. Does this mean some single women are more fabulous than folks who have already “settled down?” Probably not. People who say things like this mean well, but they’re not helping much.
I love the tone Eckel uses throughout this book and think her realistic attitude toward singleness is quite refreshing. No, being single doesn’t always feel fun (neither does marriage), but we don’t have to exhaust ourselves and treat it like a mystery that needs to be solved. The truth is, we can’t always explain why life is the way it is, singleness included. Instead, we can savor the good times, learn from the hard times, and be kind to ourselves at all times. These are lessons that every woman, single or married, can benefit from learning.
So while I totally wish I could have read this book a few years ago, I definitely got a lot out of it a few weeks ago. If you’ve heard some of the above phrases one too many times, I strongly recommend you check it out as well. It might help to be reminded that you are not alone.