The results you've been getting from your online dating profile can be summed up in two words: crickets and tumbleweeds (wait, that's three). Sure, your profile describes you perfectly, but it' could be riddled with scary red flags that are filling potential suitors with sheer terror.
Red Flag 1: You've only posted one picture of yourself… and it's so old you're sporting "The Rachel."
Unless you're Benjamin Button and get younger as you get older, your date's reaction to seeing you for the first time will probably be something like this:
Self-esteem? Heard of it.
Red Flag 2: Your pictures and profile are flirty… but in a bad way.
Yes, you've got great cleavage, but the whole idea is to find a guy who cares about the woman attached to the cleavage. I mean, it'd be brutal if you went on your first date wearing a turtleneck and suddenly…
Womp, womp.
Red Flag 3: You're so apathetic about the type of guy you're looking for, your profile reads like a dose of Valium.
"I'm not looking for much, just someone to be happy with. It might sound boring, but…" With such low standards, the only guys you'll hear from will be separated from you by plate glass.
Word.
Red Flag 4: You used WAY 2 many CAPS and LOLz and OMGs and exclamation points!!!!!!
People appreciate brain cells.
You know, among other things.
Red Flag 5: Your profile is longer than War and Peace.
"He doesn't need to know about the rash you got from fire ants," says relationship expert April Masini. "He has no reference points to use to know if you're funny, quirky or psycho. Weird personal details will just scare him off."
Straight into witness protection.
Red Flag 6: Your profile's less a profile of you and more a profile of every guy who's ever screwed you over.
You might think this is a good way to weed out the d-bags, but the truth is all any guy will think when reading your profile is…
Crickets. Tumbleweeds.
Red Flag 7: You're trying too hard to be quirky.
There's only one Zooey Deschanel. You're going to have to settle for being you.
Sigh. I know.
Red Flag 8: Your profile focuses only on what you look like.
Shallow will attract shallow. Do you really want a guy who runs at the first sign of track pants?
What? I couldn't hear you past all the cleavage.
