Chances are good you have one of two opinions on prenups: they're totally necessary or they're totally unromantic. But the fact is that these pre-wedding contacts aren't just for millionaires and A-listers. A survey administered by the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers last year found that 63 percent of divorce lawyers noticed an uptick in prenups over the last few years.
But what happens if your serious partner tells you they want one…and you're not sure how you feel about it yet? Allow us to answer all the questions you probably have right now:
So they definitely don't trust me, right? Why else would they want one?
They're not automatically calling you a gold digger. While prenuptial agreements are primarily thought of as a way to decide how your assets would be split up in the event of a divorce, they can be initiated for a variety of reasons. According to Los Angeles attorney and certified family law specialist Kelly Chang Rickert, the number one reason couples get prenups is to protect their assets if they live in a community property state, which is a state that says all married couples share everything from each other's credit card debt to mortgage payments the moment they get hitched. If a couple is coming into a marriage with very different financial pictures—and would like to keep it that way—this would be one reason to get a prenup.
This reasoning may be a little more common these days as people are getting married later when their careers and bank accounts are already well established. "It's more a matter of coming into the marriage with a certain financial success that’s independent of the union," says relationship expert Jane Greer, Ph.
D., author of What About Me? Stop Selfishness from Ruining Your Relationship. "It's not created or a byproduct of something you've done together, and they want to preserve that." On the other hand, one person could be coming in with a lot of debt that they want to handle on their own.Of course, the other main reason would be to waive spousal support, says Chang Rickert. This means that in the event of a divorce, the richer spouse wouldn't have to pay the state-mandated alimony. Instead, the couple can come up with an amount that they deem fair and put that in the prenup. It doesn't necessarily mean one party would be left with nothing, but it means you would essentially figure out who would get what ahead of time.
What does the prenup mean if we DO divorce?
Obviously, most people enter into a marriage with the assumption that it will last, which is why prenups aren't exactly romantic. "It's dealing with your impending wedding vows as a business and saying that if it doesn't work out, here is the aftermath of this arrangement," says Greer.
"Without the prenup, whatever the law is in that state governs," says Chang Rickert. "They use the prenup to change the law." So instead of splitting everything in half, maybe your prenup states a different ratio or it states that you won't be responsible for the debt he accumulated during the marriage. "It actually takes some of the grenade for combat out of the equation," says Greer. "Because you already know what you're both going to get."
Will it affect anything in our marriage if we DON'T divorce?
No, the hope is that it's just a piece of paper you can put away and never look at again. That said, if there was any animosity going into the decision to get a prenup, it's likely that that resentment will continue or grow over time, says Greer. That's why it's crucial to come to a consensus about prenups and not pressure either party into it.
What if I'm totally against it—what should I do?
"I usually tell them to go to counseling," says Chang Rickert. "I think it’s a good thing to talk about and put on the table. I think the media portrays love as passion and not having a plan and not having fights, but that's not real. People who have been married for years will tell you it's a lot of planning, a lot of discussions of what you would do in certain situations. This is a part of premarital planning."
Greer agrees that this isn't something that you should agree to or veto on a whim. This is a major decision and you need to hear each other out. "If you're against it, the only thing you can say is, 'I find it really upsetting that this is so important and I would like to understand what your concerns are and why you feel you would need a prenup in place with me,'" says Greer. "With one couple I saw, he said, 'Because I have a life before you and I made all this money and, while we're going to have a life together, that still feels like something separate from us.' When she understood that it was more about him and not about her, she still didn't like it, but she was able to tolerate it."
If you can't agree on this, could it be a deal breaker?
"Absolutely," says Greer. "It's a cross of values. If you can't negotiate this, you're not going to be able to negotiate other things in marriage. Those couples who can't come to a middle ground and find something palpable for both of them, they're not going to work out." Chang Rickert says she's also seen this first hand. "I've had two couples who decided not to get married. After all, you're bickering about money already."
So if you're unsure about a prenup, do your research. Talk to your partner and ask why exactly they want one (Is it pressure from their family? Are they coming to the marriage with property and children and financial assets, and they want to have a plan in writing in case the worst happens? Or are they just assuming that everyone gets one these days?). Then talk to an attorney about the laws in your state and what a prenup would mean for your unique situation. Once you have all that information, talk to your partner about your options and strive to come to a decision that will make you both comfortable.
"Everyone likes to fancy the notion that it's all love and romance," says Greer. "But often the reason it doesn't sustain is that people don't want to deal with the business elements in a marriage." Whether that's getting a prenup or taking the steps to combine your assets completely, this decision is one you have to make together.