AGE 17
Uh, that's it?
AGE 18
We just call this the year of "Furtive Groping and Bruised Labia From Unfortunate Insertion Mishaps"
AGE 18 1/2
Listen, Kevin, you're never gonna get milk outta those things no matter how hard you suck them and OW OW TEETH WATCH IT! Ugh, I can't wait for college.
AGE 19
College! Yes! Finally some real men who want to do real sex with me.
AGE 19 1/4
Listen, Kevin 2, you're never gonna get milk outta those things no matter how hard you suck them and OW OW TEETH WATCH IT!
AGE 20
Decide to get real with your college boyfriend, Kevin 2, about what you do and don't like in bed. It is awkward and awful but, after much practice, he stops panning for gold in your vagina. Success!
AGE 21-22
This is being an adult! You've graduated, and while the sex with Kevin 2 isn't mind-blowing you think people who say that sex is the best thing ever are probably lying or exaggerating or haven't tasted a 98-percent cacao chocolate bar. Have you tried that shit?!?! Mind-blowing!
AGE 23- 25
After a rough breakup with Kevin 2, you sign up for Tinder. You make fun of it and complain with your friends, but in reality you right swipe errybody. You do it in a boat, you do it in a coat, you do it on a farm, you do it in a pile of yarn. It ranges from being fun and sexy to barfy and awful and you are lonely and happy and doesn't Taylor Swift sing about it but totally at the wrong age?
AGE 26
This is the year I'm gonna learn to give a good blow job.
AGE 27
This is the year I accept that the blow job I give is good enough.
AGE 28
You're regularly having sex with this one dude and it's pretty great. You have talks about what you do and don't like in the sack and since he knows how to have those talks and has had some practice, boyfriend is bringing it. You do it on the floor, you do it in a door, you do it on a bed, you do it on your head. You are howling at the moon thrice nightly. Sex is so not overrated and whoever said they'd rather eat a chocolate bar is a lunatic.
AGES 30
You think maybe you want to have sex with this same person for the rest of your life? WHAT THIS IS CRAZY WHO ARE YOU?! Alternately, you are still out there crushing different dongs and breaking different dongs and doing it your way all the livelong day and night. Either way, you are pretty good at sex and having sex with dudes who are probably pretty good at it. And that one time you slept with a 45 year old?! OMG. Couldn't walk for a week. Worth it. #OlderDudesAndTheirOlderDicksAreWhereItIsAt
AGE 35
Let's hurry up and get each other off in a way that's mutually satisfying so we can watch the premiere of How To Get Away With Murder while eating ice cream sundaes THURSDAY NIGHT WHAT!!!!
AGE 40
Guys finally understand how to properly give oral sex. (Fingers crossed.)
