Cosmopolitan.com spoke with four anonymous threesome-havers about the challenges and joys of menages-a-trois.
How old were you when you first had a threesome?
Woman A: 17. It was also my first sexual experience.
Woman B: 18.
Man A: 18.
Man B: 17. It happened soon after losing my virginity.
And how old are you now?
Woman A: 19.
Woman B: 21.
Man A: 27.
Man B: 27.
Who was your first one with?
Woman A: A couple I met on the Internet.
Woman B: A female friend of mine at a frat house. It was also the first time I'd had sex — although I didn't consider it as such for a long time because the guy couldn't get it up and at the time I still thought of myself as straight (it took me another two years to come out as a mostly-gay woman).
Man A: My boyfriend and a schoolmate of ours.
Man B: I had just moved to a new town, and a classmate in one of my first classes approached me immediately when I entered. She had gone through a breakup and decided I was going be her proof to him that she moved on. She brought in her friend, they were both cheerleaders. I felt like I was starring in my own porn film.
Did you enjoy it? Why/why not?
Woman A: I enjoyed it a lot. I was able to have my first sexual experience with people of both genders, which suited me as a bisexual. They were also experienced and cared about making sure my first time was good. We also shared fetish interests, so playing with them allowed me to explore these at the same time. It was an overall sexually empowering experience.
Woman B: We were all pretty drunk, so I don't remember super clearly how much I enjoyed or didn't enjoy it.
Man A: I did enjoy it in the beginning and then not at all. I realized my boyfriend and I were probably doing it for the wrong reasons, and that was not fun. I think we were a little bit bored with each other, and we were too young to realize that bringing a new person into the mix was not a solution to that. Now I know myself and I know what I enjoy, so a threesome is just about the enjoyment of pleasure and sex as opposed to trying to solve a problem.
Man B: I was 17 years old, this was my second sexual experience ever, and they were both beautiful cheerleaders. So yes, I enjoyed it.
How often do you engage in threesomes? What role do they play in your sex life?
Woman A: Threesomes are something I do on an occasional basis; a couple of times a year since I've been sexually active. However, I have had sex with more partners in threesome settings than I have outside them.
Woman B: They aren't really a thing I seek out; they've just happened a couple times. Once I was drunk at a frat party with a female friend of mine, and once a male friend I was seeing for the first time in a couple years invited me home with him and his girlfriend. It's nothing I plan for — I'm just very much a "seize the day" (or, rather, "seize the night") kind of person.
Man A: I guess it's relative. I probably have them more regularly than the general population; up to a dozen a year. I do it for fun, to experiment and try new things, and generally with the same people. It's not about new people for me.
Man B: I have been lucky to have two experiences with threesomes. It's not something I do regularly, but it is the most mind-blowing sexual experience I've ever had. If I could do it more often, I would.
What makes sex between three people different from sex between two?
Woman A: Physically, the logistics of trying to fit three people into a bed (usually) intended for two people can sometimes be interesting! However, it also can allow for more positions and more sex acts, and when done simultaneously, these can be even more intense than sex between two people. Psychologically, I find very little difference between the two, simply because I don't usually sleep with anyone I don't have an emotional connection with otherwise.
Woman B: The more of you there are, the harder it is to get away with skimping on communication or attentiveness — there's a lot more coordination required. Additionally, jealousy is almost inevitably going to come into it. Maybe you'll be lucky and avoid serious emotional jealousy, but on a physical level there's still probably going to be some minor irritation on somebody's part regarding who's paying how much attention to whom.
Man A: You have to be a good multitasker. Honestly, it's just a lot more to pay attention to. Physically, you're trying to please two people at once, so there is a lot of stimulus there. You also have to be concerned about their needs and comfort, if you're a somewhat good person.
Man B: Sex between three people means more physical and visual stimulation. I can be pleasured in two places I normally couldn't be pleasured sexually at the same time or I can be stimulating one girl while she's stimulating the other and I can watch.
What makes a good threesome?
Woman A: An experience that is sexually and emotionally fulfilling for everyone involved.
Woman B: Threesomes really are fun if everybody has good sexual chemistry together and actually wants to be having sex with each of the other people there. You get to watch other people giving pleasure to each other while still fully participating — it doesn't get much hotter than that!
Man A: Trust in the other people as well as the openness to explore.
Man B: A good threesome is where everyone is pleasuring everyone else, and everyone orgasms a few times.
And what makes a bad threesome?
Woman A: I've never had a bad threesome. I imagine a bad one would include people who are reluctant to interact with someone of the same gender as them, or one where there is no connection between the participants other than sexual attraction. For me, any sex I have needs to include some kind of emotional connection, even if that's just as close friends.
Woman B: If you're really only there for one person, or if you're not communicative or open, you're not going to have a good time. At that point, it's kind of like, why bother having a threesome at all?
Man A: Lots of rules and insecurity.
Man B: When one person just lies there expecting the other two to do the work. There will be moments where the other two are only focused on you, but overall a threesome should involve all three people focusing on each other and making sure that everyone is enjoying it.
How do you decide who to have a threesome with? And how do you find/meet them?
Woman A: For me, most threesomes have purely been coincidental, in that I became friends with a couple, either online or in real life, and if we all feel a sexual attraction to each other, then it's something we consider. I am lucky in that a lot of my friends are sexually open people (which in some ways attracts me to them), so it has happened a couple of times with different friends of mine.
Woman B: The threesomes I've had have been pretty spontaneous incidents involving people I already know. I'm not sure I'd be interested in having a threesome with strangers.
Man A: There's one couple that I continually have threesomes with. We actually met online, on an app – Grindr. Honestly, I'm a chatter. I talked to them for a long time before I decided to do it. I was trying to get to know them and why they wanted to do it. They were very honest about their intentions, very open with each other and me. They seemed like nice guys. They weren't eager to do it right away; they wanted to get to know each other first.
Man B: Because of the way my first threesome happened, I don't have the best grasp on who to pick.
Do you have any rules about what you will or won't do in a threesome situation?
Woman A: I'm happy to do everything in a threesome situation that I'm happy to do with just one partner on principle, though in some cases I may choose not to. For example, I had one threesome where I would have felt uncomfortable having [penetrative] sex with the male partner because it felt intrusive to the couple's relationship, and so we didn't do it.
Woman B: I've never really thought about it, because I've never really planned a threesome in advance. I will say that I've never been in one with someone I was dating. I'd probably be open to it, but I'm sure in that case I'd have some boundaries.
Man A: They're no different than my rules for being with someone one-on-one.
Man B: I wouldn't have a threesome with another guy. It just doesn't turn me on in any way.
Is there anything you find challenging about threesomes?
Woman A: I've tended to find that the physical side of threesomes comes fairly naturally to me, probably because my first few sexual experiences happened within them, so I learned how to be physically sexual in that setting. However, I have found it harder to balance the emotional side since entering my current relationship, and I sometimes worry about overstepping boundaries.
Woman B: When I had a threesome with my friend and his girlfriend, the sex was amazing, but it provoked some sticky emotional conflicts that came to a head a couple weeks later. In theory, I love threesomes, and they can be some of the best sex you'll ever have. But in practice they tend to lead to emotionally messy situations further on down the line that can potentially make them more trouble than they're worth.
Man A: Emotionally, the concern over the other people's well-being and enjoyment is doubled. And then in terms of the physical, the multitasking, using all of your body, both hands, etc. can be a little bit taxing on the body.
Man B: Because the first time was like my holy grail of sexual experiences, I feel so much pressure to live up to that I don't know that I will ever be able to perform that well [in a threesome]. Those first girls were really into it. My second time, they didn't seem as much, and it was hard to know if that was on me or them.
How did having threesomes impact your relationship, for better or for worse?
Man A: Threesomes are not for me when I'm in a relationship. I prefer monogamy.
What advice do you have for Cosmo readers who want to try having a threesome?
Woman A: If you want to have a threesome, consider who you would feel comfortable having one with and what you would feel comfortable doing during it. Know your boundaries and set these beforehand with the people you're going to be interacting with, and then go for it!
Woman B: I'd suggest that anyone thinking about having a threesome consider the possible emotional ramifications very carefully. If you're single, I'd very much advise against having a threesome with a couple with whom you're already friends.
Man A: Know exactly who you are, why you want to have a threesome, and what you're comfortable with well before you enter the situation.
Man B: Don't go in expecting a threesome. It will kill your confidence. Talk to people of interest to gauge their interest in a threesome; if they seem receptive, get their number and keep it handy for when you find someone else. And when you do, wear protection. Threesomes should be amazing experiences. You don't want them ruined by an STI.