Halloween might just be the best holiday there is. Unlike St. Patrick’s Day, you’re not restricted to a color code. Unlike Christmas and Thanksgiving, you don’t have to see your family. Unlike Valentine’s Day, you don’t have to feel lonely or be pressured into buying ridiculous romantic nonsense. Unlike the Fourth of July, no one dies in tragic illegal fireworks mishaps.
There’s a spike in candy consumption and a spike in alcohol consumption and you can dress up as whatever you want. You can even dress up as your favorite Transformer, if you so choose.That being said, in the anything-goes atmosphere of Halloween, it’s easy to get caught up in the moment and do something you regret — and the last thing you want to do is live up to your super-convincing Freddy Krueger costume by ruining someone else's night. So before you wake up November 1st with the Ghost of Halloweens Past haunting your still-drunk self, let’s review what is and isn’t a Hallow-WIN on Halloween (or any other Halloween-themed nights in late October, if you’re a real go-getter):
1. Hallow-WIN: Getting Your Flirt On, Costume-Style
Halloween is typically a fun time to meet all kinds of new people — witches, ghosts, priests, policemen, aliens, celebrities, the front half of a horse, you name it. And, let’s be honest, a bodacious babe’s cool costume can be a great icebreaker, especially if you’re at one of those awesome parties with dry ice, and she’s dressed as Thor and wielding a hammer.
2. Hallow-FAIL: Using Her Costume As An Excuse For Harassment
But, overwrought icebreaker puns aside, lots of guys go too far when it comes to women’s costumes on Halloween. Just because she’s dressed up sexy doesn’t mean she wants you to touch her, tell her she’s a “slutty kitty cat” or spend the whole night staring at her because you haven’t seen a woman in Daisy Dukes since August. Women dress up for the same reason we do — to have fun being someone else for a night (even their favorite Transformers) and to be noticed. But just like literally every other situation ever, just because she’s wearing less than a full snuggie (and even if she’s wearing a snuggie) doesn’t mean she wants you to touch her or get all up in her personal space. If she does, she’ll let you know. Otherwise, just imagine you’re dressed up as Cool Hand Luke and play it cool.
3. Hallow-WIN: Hooking Up With Sexy Ghosts, Witches, Etc.
Meet someone hot at the party/club/watering hole/haunted house? See someone you already knew in a whole new light because of the incredibly detailed Zombie Anne Frank costume she was wearing? No judgment. Human attraction is an art, not a science, man. Anyway, if she’s into it, then make it happen, Cap’n. (I assume what’s what you’re dressed as.) It’s 2014, and our social mores have progressed to a point where that kind of thing is totally chill.
4. Hallow-FAIL: Failing To Use Sexy Ghost/Witch Protection
Unless you’re dressed as the Incredible Naked Guy (and don’t… don’t do that), chances are your costume has enough hiding places to stash some condoms. Gun slinger? Put ‘em in your holster. Your favorite Transformer? Put ‘em… in one of the boxes you covered your arms with. Progressive sexual health advocate? Just bring along a giant tub full of condoms to distribute. Having condoms on you could mean the difference between the awesomest Halloween you’ve ever had and the worst. You don’t want your bad decisions to come back and, uh, haunt you… right?
5. Hallow-WIN: Imbibing Potions, Brews And Slimes
Whether you’re a mummy, a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle, Edgar Allen Poe, one half of a Mario/Luigi tag-team combo, or Zeus, alcohol is a great way to loosen up and enjoy yourself. There, we said it. Fall beers? Great. Wine? Classy. Jaegerbombs? Wouldn’t be our first choice, but you do you, back half of that horse.
6. Hallow-FAIL: Getting Smashed On Potions, Brews And Slimes
Pace yourself! Waking up in your own vomit is not a good look, man — unless you came to the party dressed as a guy caked in his own vomit, we suppose. Getting too drunk can lead to all kinds of bad news, whether you're trying to hit on people, drive home, or just keep the food you ingested inside your digestive system, rather than outside.
7. Hallow-WIN: Engaging In Candy-Eating Behavior
None of us eat healthy all year long. Good, sustainable healthy eating involves letting yourself cheat. So consider Halloween one big, long cheat day — but brush and floss when you get home (or... when you wake up, at least) and kick November off with, like, a salad or something. Your body will appreciate it.
8. Hallow-FAIL: Engaging In Evil Behavior
Tempted to ruin people's decorations? Leave the pumpkin-smashing to Billy Corgan. Feeling hungry when you see some dweeby kids walking by with candy? Don't you dare take that candy, even if they're dressed up as a giant baby. See a pretty girl dressed as a sexy nurse and want her to notice you? Whatever you do, don't jump out at her from behind a bush. That's a bad move 365 days a year — Halloween is no exception. October 31st is about fear and terror — but in a fun, healthy, consensual way.