I remember the scene vividly: We sat on a driftwood log at dusk as waves from the Gulf of Mexico crashed and came to rest just feet from our toes. It might have been a romantic scene, except the man I was seated beside was a fellow reporter, and he and I were waiting as divers scanned for the bodies of four missing children.
(This post sure took an awful turn, didn’t it? Bear with me.)
This reporter and I kept each other company as we waited for hours, sharing small talk and career goals, questioning as it got ever darker if there was a thing as work-life balance. At the end of the evening, we parted ways and I never thought of him again—that is, until he called my office just days later to ask me on a date. I declined. After all, I explained, I had a boyfriend. And in response, this man accused me of leading him on.
When I relayed the story to my friend Dan, he shook his head and tisk-tisked me. “Why didn’t you tell him you were seeing someone when you met him?” Dan asked.
“Because I had no clue I needed to!” I squeaked back. “We were working! People were searching for kids'bodies! How was I supposed to know he was interested?”
Dan smiled. “It’s simple: If a guy is talking to you, he’s interested.”
This was news to me at 21 years old. But from then on, I took Dan’s words to heart. If a man engaged me in conversation, I would drop the “I’m taken” bomb as soon as I could. “Oh, you like Momocho? That’s my boyfriend’s favorite restaurant too!” I would say. Or, “You know, my boyfriend feels the same way about whiskey, and that’s why he sticks with beer.
”There are still times when I’m caught off guard and beaten to the punch—the two-sentence exchange in a grocery store checkout line that somehow leads to a dinner invitation, for example. In those cases, I thank the man (or potential crazy person) for the gesture and say, “But I have to pass. I’m taken.”
So, my general rule is: Wait until a man starts a conversation, then act quickly yet as casually as possible. That way, regardless of their intentions, we’re both on the same page without encountering any uncomfortable situations.
But I have a few friends who believe an immediate, preemptive strike is best. The instant “hi” has left an unfamiliar man’s lips, they blurt out, “I have a boyfriend.” Yes, sometimes they end up embarrassed when the man replies, “I was just trying to make my way to the bar.” But, they reason, they’d rather deal with that awkward situation than one where a man confused casual conversation for flirtation.
I also know women who won’t offer up their relationship status until they absolutely have to—usually when the words “phone number” or “hookup” are spoken. Until then, they feel, some harmless flirting is fair game.
What do you think? When should a woman admit she’s taken? Right away, or only when she has to? Why?