My friends and I spend a decent hunk of time grateful we dodged the bullets dressed as our exes. From the narcissist who took more time posting selfies on Instagram than with his girlfriend to the compulsive liar who would fib about everything from his friends to his finances, we’ve all had a doozy of a dude that made us offer up a joyous “hallelujah” when our heartbreak was over and the healing had begun.
But there’s perhaps an even more important part of the healing process that’s easy to overlook when you’re so focused on what an idiot your ex was, and that’s to be grateful for him. Because no matter the circumstances of the relationship or his flaws, chances are, you learned something from him that will make your next relationship — and your life in general — even better. So look back on your past courtships with me and see if you can be grateful for any of the things below.
Thanks to him, you no longer put yourself through the headache (and heartbreak) of trying to change people. Chances are you dated a guy whose habits left a little to be desired. Maybe he drank too much, flirted too often — and rather than throwing in the towel, you spent hours, weeks and quite possibly tears trying to convince him his behaviors were wrong. Maybe you even tried to change your own heart to accept things you deep-down believe are wrong. Be grateful to that man for proving that you have to like and love someone for who they are today, not who they might be tomorrow.
Being with him — and then not being with him — taught you how strong you really are. Perhaps there were things you endured during the relationship, such bitter bickering or constant worrying, that showed you exactly what you can withstand in any given moment.
But more importantly, when you made the decision to leave (despite loving him) so that you would no longer have to face those things, you showed yourself just how courageous, smart and strong you can be. Be grateful to him for testing your strength so you could flex your muscles.Because of him, you learned that love isn’t always enough. Many of us have been head-over-heels for a man, a good man, who simply wasn’t the right man for us. We stayed in the relationship, unhappy, because the love we felt was all-consuming. But love doesn’t sustain people the way that so many other basic essentials — air, water, food — do. We need more — shared values, common moral ground, similar goals, open communication, trust and reliability — to enjoy a successful relationship. Be grateful to the ex that made you want to look for more than just love.
You now know not every guy has to be The One for you to enjoy the relationship. Yes, it sucks that yet another relationship didn’t end in cohabitative or matrimonial bliss. But those made-for-movie moments of laughing in the rain, line-dancing at the local dive bar and kissing by a cozy fire can’t be taken away. Be grateful to any man who gives you memories that years later still make you smile.
He helped you realize you’re responsible for your own happiness. In our younger years, many of us made the mistake of handing over our happiness to a person, giddy when they gave us reasons to rejoice and despondent when they withheld what we so desperately needed. In truth, making anyone but yourself responsible for your contentment is too much weight for any person or persons to bear. So be grateful to the guy who made you so miserable that you swore no one else would ever control your happiness but you.
And I’ll leave you with a final thought. I have a friend who believes in a “twin flame” relationship theory, which says that people attract their opposites in order to expose their own greatest personal weaknesses. Sometimes, the theory goes, it takes losing a person who feel like a part of you to be powerful enough to reveal your flaws. Each time you’re ripped from your “twin,” you grow and learn — and when you’ve finally learned enough about yourself, you can finally find your soul mate. If that’s not a great reason to be grateful for your exes, I don’t know what is!