I’ve been online dating basically since I realized it was an option. For an article for the school newspaper my sophomore year in college, I tried to sign up for eHarmony, but I wasn’t old enough (ya gotta be 21), and so it called me "unmatchable." After crying to my mom (and um, reading the fine print), I held off on signing up again until I moved to New York.
When I arrived in the city, I signed up for Plenty of Fish, and though I did have a little luck (met a millionaire for the first time!), I was still a little too young for the market; it was easier for me to hit up a bar in midtown to meet a dude over a romantic Bud Light than to fiddle with all those search filters. I ended up meeting my ex when I fell down in front of him on a bus (go figure), and after that relationship ended, I was determined to get over him stat, so I signed up for everything.
Like, everything: OkCupid, How About We, eHarmony, Match, Chemistry, and Sparkology. (Full disclosure here: It helps to be a dating writer. Most of these, I scored for free.)
But after three years and at least 100 first dates that led nowhere, I’ve figured out what works for me and what doesn’t. Now, I’m only on Tinder, Hinge, and Match—and in all honesty, I find most of the guys I go out with via these channels. Even in a city as populated as New York, it’s hard to find the type of guys I’m looking for—and online dating makes it much easier to narrow things down.
That being said—lately, I’ve felt really burnt out by the whole experience. I mean, I did that Tinder experiment and made that dating pact with my roommate, but I still found myself aimlessly swiping left and right and getting really (really) annoyed when guys started conversations with "How are you?
" I could tell my patience was wearing thin, so I enlisted the help of online dating coach Laurie Davis, CEO of eFlirt Expert. She wrote the self-help book Love at First Click, where she gives tips on how to get more clicks—and thus, more dates!—to your dating profile. Oh, and she also took the time to have a glass of wine with me and give some really critical and helpful advice about my profiles.I thought I kind of already knew how to pick really good photos and write a sweet (but sassy!) summary, but Davis tore my profiles apart on each site. Here are the surprising things I learned:
1. Never Say "Hi"
When we were sitting at this dark bar—full of attractive dudes, I might add—Davis asked to see some messages I wrote to guys. She had two interesting things to say right off the bat: "Don't ever say 'hi'! That's way too casual for someone you've never met before!" Instead, she suggested that when I message guys, I should only make a statement and ask a question— that's it. So instead of "Hi John, how are you?" I should say, "I also really love to run! When is your next race?"
2. Be Proactive
The other thing that I found interesting about messaging was that Davis doesn’t see any reason to make the guy do the work. In fact, she says guys are usually impressed with a girl who reaches out first. Though I’ve never been shy about starting off with a flirty one-liner, it was reassuring to know that dudes won’t be turned away from a forward gal.
3. Be Selective About Photos
Davis started cutting my photos right away—in fact, she was a little appalled when she saw I had 15 photos up on Match. At most, she suggests having five photos—and she says you should make the first three the strongest ones. As much of a cliché as it is, she says you have to catch someone's attention right off the bat because some dudes won't even be bothered by those mini-summaries on Tinder or Hinge anyway.
(Left) Deleted photo: Too professional; (Right) Added photo: Great conversation starter
On each profile, I had a bunch of photos from my trip to Europe with my mom, a few professional shots from photoshoots, and some with my friends. Davis got rid of those right away. Instead, we went through my Facebook and found better options. We ended up with a photo of when I tried flying trapeze, one from my trip to Mexico, one with my cute pup, Lucy, and others that are close-up and good photos that weren't taken with a fancy camera. Oh, and another thing she says—no filters! That Mayfair filter isn't fooling anyone, and it may cost you a swipe.
4. Write in Lists—and Get Specific
I really liked my carefully crafted summary on my profiles—so much so that I used the same thing for every single one. But even though I thought saying "I’ll keep you on your toes and hopefully you’ll make me stand on mine," was clever, Davis says to be blunt instead: "I dig tall guys so I can wear my fave heels." (I guess I should have known men typically don’t read in between the lines in anything, much less online dating.) She also suggests making short sentences or lists, rather than long-winded explanations.
I changed my paragraph to shorter, quicker things about me and got specific. Instead of saying that I love to travel (which I do), I wrote about my next trip coming up that I’m excited about (Cyprus in February!). She also cut what I said in half and suggested I just keep the conversation starters and let the messaging—and hopefully the happy hour date—do the rest.